A Birth Story....of Sorts

What I really wanted to title this post if it hadn't been incredibly long is "why I chose to give birth without an epidural......and why I won't ever do it again." I really don't mean to dog on those who enjoy giving birth this way. After having given it a go, I really do admire you. I do. It is just not for me. And I'd like the chance to put my thoughts out there and tell you why.

First, why after 4 go rounds with an epidural did I decide to try this you ask? Because those of you who know me well know that I have always had strong feelings about this. I have never ever before been tempted to try this. And while I have always tried to respect that everyone should be able to give birth the way that will give them the best possible experience...I've always been doubtful that the best possible experience could be achieved while feeling so much pain. For the record I do feel that I have good reason to have felt this way. While going through nursing school I worked at two different hospitals; at one in L&D then at the other on the post-partum/nursery unit. Before having babies of my own was ever even an inkling in my mind I had witnessed many many births. I've seen it all....from the women who can give birth with not a drop of medication without so much as a grimace crossing their face, to the women who thrash and kick and experience a temporary bout of insanity until the anesthesiologist threatens to walk out if they can't hold still, (at which point they miraculously are still as stone)...to the times when the best laid birth plans have to be thrown out the window for an unexpected emergency c-section. The one thing that was always the same? The moment of birth was an absolute miracle every single time. No matter the circumstances. I can't even tell you how many times I discreetly brushed away tears in the birthing room of a complete stranger. This convinced me that the concern of utmost importance was a healthy baby at the outcome....not the mode of delivery. I also witnessed many women try for an unmedicated delivery, and in the end choose to have an epidural. Seeing how hard it was, I wondered why they put themselves through so much in the first place. I also was very put off any time friends or family members expressed disappointment in the mother if she "didn't make it". Again, I felt no reason to be disappointed when a healthy baby was the overall result. I also felt put off by the fact that many of the women who chose to give birth without an epidural seemed to feel that they were somehow better than their medicated counterparts. They seemed to put off the idea that you didn't really do anything special if you gave birth while numb. That rather than having given birth, you were simply "delivered" of your baby without any active participation. I had seen enough to know that giving birth was hard work, numb or not! I had also seen enough to know that many of the myths presented in the "natural" birthing world as cases against an epidural simply aren't true. An epidural is not always a guarantee that you can't feel your contractions, or push of your own will. You are not simply at the mercy of the evil medical doctor and his whims.

So, again why did I feel an interest in trying this? Well, for one, I felt like I have matured a lot since my L&D days. I started my first job in this area the summer after high school. I was young. I was immature. I didn't realize yet that what is best for one is not always necessarily best for all. I had also never really experienced any sort of real pain and had no desire to. Now, almost 10 years older I've realized that there is more than one way to skin a cat. I figured that being physically and emotionally more prepared for this, I might actually be able to do it and see what all the fuss was about. I also felt that physically I was better prepared than I have been in times past. I've had incredibly great health throughout the pregnancy, gained a minimal amount of weight, etc. I thought if there was ever a time to give this a go it was now. And most of all.....I was curious. Many seemingly unrelated things like homeschooling, cloth diapers, a vegetarian diet, (all things which I have turned to in recent years) and birth without an epidural seem to find a common ground in many circles. I'd heard so much about it and thought that maybe I'd been pointed in this direction for a reason.. That maybe I needed to be more open minded about this and I'd find a new perspective the way I had with the other things. Also of mild concern...it's obviously likely that we'll have a large family, (in case you think we don't already) and in the back of my mind the slightly irrational fear of "what if one of these times I don't make it to the hospital in time for an epidural?" I felt that given my past experiences and attitudes, not having the option and not being prepared for it would leave a very negative mark on the whole experience for me. So I felt that I could prepare well and give it a try this time. If it worked out well and I enjoyed it, I would do it again. If not, I would at least know what to expect and that I could handle it if need be. Please note, all of my previous birth experiences with an epidural have been indescribably special to me. I had no reason to think that this was going to mysteriously be somehow more miraculous or spiritual. But I think that part of me wondered about that.

After all of that......what was the outcome? First let me say that there were factors that one might argue unfairly influenced the overall outcome. I was induced. While the doctor was willing to let me wait as long as I wanted, I have reasons for not wanting to go overdue that I don't want to get into in this post. The doctor was also willing to induce labor somewhat more naturally by breaking my water....but he wanted to get antibiotics in my system prior to this due to my positive group B strep status, and the fact that this was my 5th baby. We agreed that the antibiotics would be started in the am, and that he would come around lunchtime to break my water. Life happened, he got busy, I got impatient, and pitocin was started at two in the afternoon. This was completely my choice, not his. I knew that it had the potential of affecting the intensity of my contractions, but I had had previous experience that made me think it might not be a big deal. Twice before I'd been given pitocin and not experienced any significant amount of pain. In each of these situations the nurses had wanted to wait on the epidural until I was in significant pain so that they could tell the epidural was effective, and they'd ended up giving it to me regardless knowing if they didn't soon it wouldn't be an option. What I didn't think about at the time was the fact that the nurse kept turning up the pitocin after the doctor finally did come and break my water at about twenty minutes to three. She kept turning it up every half hour without regard to the fact that breaking my water would likely do the trick and the fact that it was my 5th baby and that maybe more pitocin wouldn't be necessary. She also didn't seem to be concerned about the way the pitocin might be affecting my pain. She seemed to be focused only on the baby's heart rate, (which was good) and the pattern of my contractions. As long as these were good, up she went. I know enough that I should have questioned this, but it didn't cross my mind at the time. I didn't plan on having to do that. Besides the pitocin, my nurse was obviously an issue. While she was friendly, seemingly competent and professional, she was not overly eager to help me achieve my goal. In fact she didn't help me at all. She asked me about my pain at one point when she thought I looked distressed. But the only method of relief she offered was medication. She didn't offer to help with positioning or anything else. When I told her I wasn't ready for any sort of medication yet she left the room and didn't return until I was completely dilated. In her defense, that was only eight minutes later......but still. I knew from experience that nurses all held their individual opinions about an epidural and that some were better than others in helping patients cope with pain.....but I had never seen a nurse just walk out like that. Most of the nurses I had seen before, if they weren't competent in pain relieving techniques, they would at least stay with the patient and offer support during intense times.

During those eight minutes that felt like an eternity, I remember trying to decide if I had the conviction to go through with this. Or if I thought I would even have the time to choose. A dear friend of mine had advised me to adopt the attitude from the beginning that there just wasn't a choice. I would do this. And truthfully, based on past experience I didn't think there would be. The only other time I had felt any pain that could be classified as intense was with Andrew. They broke my water to induce labor. Being only my second baby they didn't necessarily think that things would happen quickly, but lucky for me they didn't have any qualms about giving me an epidural right away. Before the epidural had time to take effect I suddenly had intense labor pains that caused me to shake all over. Concerned, the nurse checked me immediately after the doctor was done with the epidural and I was complete. The whole thing took about an hour, from breaking my water to the birth. Based on this I thought that it was likely that by the time I wanted anything to alleviate the pain it would be too late. Looks like I was right. Anyway, I remember asking myself what my motivation was for doing this. And the pain was so intense that I couldn't come up with anything that was worth it. Anything I had thought of before seemed silly in that moment. I cried and looked at Brandon and told him, "I just can't think of a good reason for going through with this." At that point the pain took an even more intense turn and it was absolutely unbearable. I could. not. move. With every contraction I was absolutely immobilized in trying to deal with the pain. My poor sweet husband kept offering to help me into a more comfortable position, but even the tiniest of directions on what to move where seemed impossible to me during a contraction. Even the slightest touch from him added to the burden. And without being able to control it I screamed. Loudly. Very. Loudly. I knew in my head I sounded ridiculous, but I could not help it. At that point when I had enough of a break to be able to speak I told Brandon to call the nurse and ask for the epidural. Before she even made it to the room, and when in response to my screaming she came running assisted by at least two others who all started opening packs and pouring sterile water and bringing warm baby blankets, I knew the handwriting was on the wall. Brandon told her again that I wanted an epidural and I knew what her response would be. She checked me and of course, there wasn't time. As soon as she said that, I felt the baby pressing against me. The doctor ran in and a baby was born.

Now, I had always heard that an argument for not having an epidural was so that one could be in complete control of their body. Let me state that I felt absolutely no control. My body pushed that baby out on it's own. It was the first time I had ever experienced that. I have always been able to know when I needed to push before and felt able to do it. This time, I couldn't have NOT pushed. In fact the nurse kept shouting at me not to....there was not a darn thing I could do about it. Now maybe this had more to do with Emma's size being one of my biggest babies, but still; for me that was strike one against it all.

Strike two: Even though I have always been numb before and haven't felt the pain of giving birth, I have always been able to feel the pressure. I have felt the baby pass through my body,. That feeling is an absolute miracle. When all was said and done this time, Brandon told me that he felt like I missed it, and it made him sad. And you know what? He was right. The pain was too much of a distraction for me. Of course I knew that my baby was being born, but this time I was too focused on getting through it to really enjoy that moment the way I have in the past. Going along with that.....I've always had to laugh at myself, because I usually enjoy the experience so much that one of my first thoughts when everything is over is "I could do that again!" This time, I remember thinking, "I hope that man over there in the corner doesn't touch me for a very long time," and thinking that I didn't want to give birth again any time soon. That made me feel very sad. It was sad to me that it wasn't an experience that Brandon and I enjoyed together. I didn't feel connected to him, I didn't ask him to hold my hand, I didn't even think about him. I was just trying to endure. And I think that although he enjoyed being there and witnessing the birth of his child, he felt absolutely useless being unable to help me cope with the pain.

Another surprise for me.....birth without an epidural has always been portrayed to me as this empowering experience and one that when accomplished leaves you feeling immediately energized. It seems that people always talk about how much more quickly they felt like they've recovered. For me, I did not feel empowered. I felt broken. And even though I could move my legs, I did not get out of that bed any more quickly than times when I have had to wait until I wasn't numb. There was no way I could. I felt completely wiped out. Now, I'm sure that had a lot to do with the fact that I have had 5 children in about as many years. My body has been through lot; but I wasn't expecting that. My recovery was every bit as hard as when I've had an epidural. Getting up for the first time afterwards was no different for me than when I've had an epidural.

Strike four, (wait, aren't we already out?!) was that due to the increased sensitivity everything immediately following the birth was incredibly unpleasant. Even the smallest touch from the doctor had me flinching. Just pouring warm water over me felt awful. And the nurse kneading my uterus was enough to send me through the roof. That pain was almost as bad for me as giving birth. The epidural would have been worth it for me not to have felt all of that. I will even go so far as to say that the actual moment of birth....the part I worried the most about; not so bad, (don't get me wrong it hurt) but I remember feeling surprised that I thought that part was actually bearable. Pushing the baby out was a relief. I felt the pain described as the "ring of fire" and thought that wasn't so bad as I was expecting. But everything leading directly up to and following the birth was awful. Unbearable. Not worth it for me.

Now a month later, my memory has already dimmed the experience to the point that I don't feel quite so badly about it all; but immediately after the delivery the first words out of my mouth were "I don't see any good reason for doing that!" I felt rattled and shaken for hours afterwards. If I knew that an epidural wouldn't be an option for me, would that stop me from wanting to have another baby? Certainly not. Sweet little Emma was worth every second of it and more. But to make the experience the most enjoyable for me and for Brandon, (poor guy!) I won't choose it again.

I hope that while reading this you enjoyed the pictures of our newest bundle of joy. These pictures were of course taken by my friend and favorite photographer Melinda Smith. Pretty much anytime you see a great picture on this blog, it's hers. We love her work and are so glad she's been able to capture newborn photos of our girls for us.

And how is Baby Emma doing, you ask? Fabulously. She is starting to sleep completely through the night more often than not and is a wonderfully content baby during the day. We love her so much and are grateful for the extra love she's added to our home. It's so fun to see the bigger kids make way for another baby and to see how eager they are to love another member of the family.